Blame Brett

Brett Thurston

      I’m an alcoholic. I don’t mince words when I’m talking about it. I’m honest, direct and forthcoming….so pretty much all of the things we recovering addicts weren’t in active addiction. With that, some things I say in here are not hyperbole to me: these are my truths…

      Addiction treatment in New Brunswick (Canada. Not to be mistaken with New Brunswick, New Jersey. I cannot speak on their services) is seemingly caught somewhere between the initial discovery of fire and the Women’s suffrage movement. I’m not saying the people within the system don’t care (The staff at Ridgewood was incredible to me on no less than 3 separate occasions. If you’re reading this and attempting your own recovery journey? Sometimes we fall. It’s how you get back up. Never stop trying), but due to underfunding and no new addiction treatment developments in some time, it can be a lengthy wait time to get in anywhere….

       After yet another life altering relapse and faced with a 6 month wait time to get into any of NB’s Horizons treatment centres, the “alternative” treatment route was the only option left…well either that, or death. That’s the reality of addiction…

      This is how I ended up at the ‘Village of Hope’ (To reiterate, these are my truths). Under the guise of a caring nurturing faith based “regeneration centre”, it lures people in. From the outside it seems like a peaceful place to explore the roots of your addiction, get healthy again in a working farm type setting and maybe add a little faith to my recovery attempt. Maybe that’s what I was missing. Instead what I walked into was a Christian Nationlist Labour Boot Camp. It’s indoctrination, forced labour, coercion (a really dangerous game of taking “clients” off their medication)…The adult tattling. Oh the tattling…But this blog entry isn’t about this place (although yes, I can corroborate all of this). It’s about NF’s music being the soundtrack to my recovery journey, however without this backstory, I can’t tell the actual story.

       If you proved yourself a capable worker and behaved like a good little boy, you were “rewarded” with outsourced working trips! The very first road trip of this type for me was in September I believe. By this point I had decided the easiest way to get through these next 10 months (I made it 5) was to leave who I actually am at the door. After an early blow up at a “Leader”, a gun toting Trump nut who decided an anti LGBTQ tirade was on the menu yet again today for “class”. I snapped: “This has absolutely nothing to do with recovery!”, I said before exiting the room in disgust. Unable to just make a phone call like a normal human (not allowed), too early to leave and just generally stuck. I felt defeated and believed it easier to simply conform. Not only did I conform, I thrived. Armed with the ability of basic reading comprehension, logic and leadership in spades, it was relatively easy to climb the proverbial addict pecking order…So it was on this fine September morning, 5 of us in a tan crossover heading offsite to tear down an inflatable water park. (The Man who outsourced us for work really does have a big heart and I believe genuinely does care about the people he brings in for work).

      One of the biggest no-no’s at this place was absolutely zero secular music allowed… Apparently Secular Music is Satan’s gateway that lures addicts back into addiction and not the lifesaving raft it has always been for me (such as listening to “Adam’s Song – Blink 182 on repeat as a high schooler who felt alone). Our staff leader and chauffeur (I’m not going to get someone in “trouble” for this. It already happened. As per usual at ‘The Village’, someone immediately tattled…) decided we had the right crew (he was wrong apparently) to enjoy a temporary reprieve from being hammered over the head with Jesus and listen to an actual Hip-Hop CD. What came out of those speakers instantly improved my morale. It was the greatest thing I’d get out of my 5 month stint in that place: NF’s ‘Hope’ album. Right from that first lyric: “Hooooope”, I was locked (the NF) in For 50 glorious minutes I was just a normal human on a road trip with the Boys. Like a sailor to a siren, I was instantly drawn to the lyrics of inspiration. Banger track after banger track…I didnt know at this time, that this album would be the anthems of my redemption act….

       Like I try to do most days, this is where I’ll leave the village in the rear view. The place has saved some lives, but I’ve witnessed it cause irreparable damage as well. Even a broken clock is bang on twice a day. About 6 months removed from that place, I had my final relapse. Like they all are, it was life altering. A brutal 7 day home detox in the depths of the DT’s, hallucinations, shakes, sweats, anxiety spent almost entirely in a dark bedroom…The same one I had nearly drank myself to death in…I had swore if I survived this one, this was it. Never again. I was coming for the life I knew was possible.

      By the 8th day, I had finally felt enough strength to attempt a walk. My Dog was in desperate need and my body was crying for even the slightest bit of Vitamin D. One thing about being in active addiction: you literally lose everything you love. I stopped being able to actually enjoy music. The only thing that matters is your next fix to quell the withdrawal symptoms. In need of some walking inspiration and still weak, with incredibly shaky hands, I hit the Spotify DJ button. Here came a track that triggered a memory of a glorious reprieve. A track that hits so close to home, I’m usually teared up by its conclusion: ‘Happy’ – NF. Here’s the chorus sample:

“Living in my agony, watching my self-esteem
Go up in flames, acting like I don’t
Care what anyone else thinks, when I know truthfully
That that’s the furthest thing from how I

Feel, but I’m too proud to open up and ask ya
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I’m trapped in
The truth is, I need help, but I just can’t imagine who
Who I’d be if I was happy”

      Day after day pumping this song to start my mental health/recovery walks. Soon I found myself putting the album on start to finish while songs like; ‘Mistake’, ‘Bullet’ and ‘Suffice’ quickly became favourites and in reality, my recovery anthems.

      From ‘Mistake’: “I feel like I’m at standstill waiting for you to tell me I’m ok
If time heals, tell me why do I kill myself
Tryna show you I’m not a mistake
I’ve got qualities that I’m not proud of
I’ve made promises that I walked out on
I’ve had days I feel I don’t deserve love
So think what you think, just don’t call me a
Just don’t call me a
Just don’t call me a ….. Mistake”

       About a month ago and seemingly mired in a recent bout of depression (that’s the thing about depression. Sometimes it’s the most outgoing, seemingly happiest people fighting the most brutal internal battles. I’ve even stated recently to some students with Grad votes approaching: check on your “funniest grad”), these bouts can hit like a brick out of nowhere. When this happens, I stick with what has worked for the past 19 months: A 40$ pair of headphones, a pair of shoes, a Dog who has been there throughout this recovery journey and…the power of fucking music…

      It was time to finally crack open (figuratively) NF’s most recent album: ‘Fear’.  The first song, the album title track opens with:

“Hello darkness, my old friend (hello)
Knocking at my door again
Beggin’ me to come outside
Let you back into my life
Now, usually I’d be strong enough
To lock the doors and keep ’em shut
But not today, I’m desperate (desperate)
So go ahead and come on in
So go ahead and come on in
So go ahead and come on in” …..

      Tears instantly. That’s the thing about NF: He’s for the broken. The different. Those battling the unseen battles. The outcasts. Those who don’t feel like they fit into society. I often “joke”: “If you see NF in someone’s “wrapped”, that person is going through it.” Guess which album was my #1? ‘Hope’. ‘Fear’ will be up there this year. Listening to fear it felt like ‘Hope’ is the book cover of my recovery journey, while ‘Fear’ is the back cover. 19 months off alcohol and NF playing throughout.

      Recently running the aux for our home Varsity Basketball Tournament (actually something stuck out at that moment that my “Mentor” at the place I try and leave in the rearview told me: “You’ll never Coach or work with Children again…”), living this new dreamlike life that I’ve built for myself, I blasted NF’s – ‘Careful’ and the lyrics once again hit home:

” Thinkin’ ’bout how I’m so thankful (woo)
Subpar songs, I don’t make those (I don’t make those)
Look at that car I paid for (I paid for)
Look at my life, I’m grateful (I’m grateful)
Hatin’ on me, that’s hateful (that’s hateful)
You know I hit what I aim for (aim for)
Talkin’ ’bout risks, I take those (I take ’em)
Didn’t get here bein’ careful, oh (listen, uh)”

                                      – Brett Thurston