Blame Brett

Brett Thurston

       I don’t date a lot…. Most of the year I don’t feel a lot of pressure to. I’m too busy being different. I feel like I’m the guy in this incredibly small town that people ask: “What is that guys deal?” I do my thing, which as of late has become essentially living at our public High School between Supplying/Coaching, and then I go home and reboot like a Windows ’95 tower computer. Most nights I usually pass out within the hour of returning home….

        As someone who went nearly two years without a proper REM sleep due to crippling alcoholism, I could never express how thankful I am to just be able to have that….most nights….There are evenings that are devoid of coaching, or feeling of any worth or need (depression is a nasty bug). I’ve started referring to this time alone in my head as “The Still”. It has a certain M. Night quality to the name (I’m a huge M. Night fan. Fight me.) As I’ve stated to those that know me, I don’t watch a lot of TV. I don’t play guitar. I’m still trying to read more, but my head has trouble staying on task…

       “The Still” seems all the more daunting and insurmountable during times when there is added pressure to not be alone. Times like; The Christmas Holidays, March Break, NYE….actually one of the times I had ever felt most alone was after helping guide (what a loaded squad and coaching staff) an FMHS Rugby Team to a Provincial Banner…That run, after a lengthy “rehab” stint and the recent loss of my Mother, had me mentally drained. All the Boys off to celebrate in whatever High School Boy way they saw fit. The other Coaches off to spend time with their families/significant others…..I just went home to “The Still”…That night would be my last relapse…Not that I set the bottle down the next morning. In my world a relapse doesn’t last 1 night. That final relapse lasted 21 days….Oh right! I was still listing vulnerable alone days before that massive digress…Valentine’s Day! Oh how I loathe it…

          “The Still” was extra loud in my head tonight. I did what I rarely do, but in desperation…I went to the Bar. Not to drink or anything, but to say Happy Birthday to a friend….A bar I hadn’t been into in about a year. Maybe there’d be other people sitting around looking for connection too. A quick 7$ Pepsi (it’s actually fairly priced. Even while off the sauce, I still tip good) and about 5 minutes of listening to drunk people (without music), I bounced. Apparently I hadn’t needed connection. Just a drive to straighten my head, some NF (for when I’m really going through it 🤦‍♂️), and some good old fashion cognitive behavioural therapy (which at this point in my life is Jedi level)….I had decided to get home and use this Blog I’ve recently shelled out quid for.

       When I first started this, I wasn’t sure where my writing would go. After my first post regarding NF and some positive feedback, I was reminded I have a gift for my words helping people. Even if it’s 1 person, then absolutely worth it. I was actually planning on writing a piece on Sidney Crosby (still to come) this weekend, however tonight had other plans. This blog was created during “The Still” and I guess that’s what it’s going to be for….

     Anyway, back to Valentine’s Day. A hallmark holiday where it can seem like your entire self worth hinges on not being alone on this day. From about the age of 16 – 37 I can absolutely only put blame on myself for  spending the majority of these alone (although there were a few where I was like: “why are you dating me?!”) What an absolute gong show of a human I was. Treating my body like a six flags amusement park every weekend, upon reflection, isn’t exactly as endearing to Women as initially thought 🤦‍♂️.

      Social media adds to the pressure with couple posts, Vday gift algorithm, and it can seem like you’re the only one alone. With these come the counter posts of feeling the need to post you are in fact better alone. It can feel overwhelming. With this day comes the desire to slide into dm’s…. Or maybe ask out the person who you’ve considered, but never pulled the trigger….or in the case of one certain inebriated bar patron tonight, just shoot your shot at the bartender while using a bar stool for balance 🤷‍♂️… (in my case, I hit the Blog keys) Whatever it is you’re feeling, just know that tomorrow is the 15th.  It’s a regular Sunday. For me it’s the start of our Rugby practices. The time of the year I feel my most  self-worth. The time that always marked my safe time. The time where I Coach with my entire heart. Tomorrow I wake up alone, but hangover free and with a purpose. I can get back to regular scheduled programming of High School Students prying me about crushes and suggestions of dating: (insert family member) If High Schoolers think you have “rizz” and “aura”, who else’s opinion really matters?….While tonight you may feel alone, just remember you have an entire year of potential growth ahead until the next V headed monster.  That in itself is something worth waking up too.

“Underneath that rainy cloud
Had my doubts, yes, but that’s how I found my
True purpose and my surface looks great
Who cares if underneath I’m hurtin’?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in
My life, it’s that life is uncertain” – NF

 

                     – Brett Thurston